My favorite stupid question came from a lovely lady from the Midwest. She walked up to me with her obese husband. When I say obese I mean this guy was huge.
“Hi, can we go on the ride?”
“Yes of course,” I told her, “right this way.”
“No look at him!” she said motioning to his expansive waistline, “can he go on the ride?”
This was starting to get awkward because he was standing right there and could hear her. Clearly he has feelings because he eats them. So I told her:
“Well ma’am to determine if someone is too short for the ride we have a height measuring stick but to see if someone is too fat for our ride we have a cast member come out and motorboat your husband. If that cast member is knocked unconscious by the force of your husband’s man-boobs then your husband is too large to ride Test Track.”
My second favorite question was actually the same question but in a different context. A teenage girl walked up to me with her redneck boyfriend wanting to ride Test Track.
“Hi, can I go on the ride.”
“Sure, right this way. I don’t know why people keep asking me this.”
“Well, I’m pregnant.”
“In that case, this is a turbulent ride that may be unsafe for your unborn child. You should probably skip this one.” We aren’t allowed to stop them from going on—all we can do is warn them that it isn’t a wise decision. Right after I said this though her boyfriend just pulled her in line with these words of wisdom.
“Come on baby, its fine. You’re just a little pregnant.”
Seriously? Just a little pregnant? It’s logic like that that probably got them into that mess in the first place. “Come on baby, we don’t need condoms, we’re just going to have a little sex.”
I’ve learned that if parents did their job as parents then my job would be a quite a bit easier and probably extremely boring so I am quite grateful that parents have no concept of how to take care of their children. It was nothing short of disturbing to see how many people tried to sneak their kids onto the ride when they were too short. The height requirements aren’t arbitrary, if the kid is too short the seatbelt will not fit the way it should. Our ride reaches a velocity of 65 mph at some points in the ride – in the event of an emergency we would stop the ride immediately. Going from sixty five miles per hour to zero in a few seconds won’t be fun with a seatbelt strap over your face.
People had some creative ways of attempting to bring their kids onto the ride when they were too short. I’ve seen three year old girls in high heels and someone even tried stuffing ice cream bars in their kids’ shoes. First of all, that’s a waste of about fifteen dollars worth of Mickey Mouse ice cream, second of all that will melt pretty quickly and we double check heights at the beginning of the line and at the end so that is far from foolproof.
It’s amazing how angry people become when I try and ensure the safety of their children. One woman walked up to the ride with a kid who looked entirely too short for the ride.
“Ma’am, I need to double-check the height of your son.”
“I just checked it.”
“Great! Now, I’d like to check it. That’s why it’s called a ‘double-check’.”
As it turns out, the kid was three inches too short but naturally she can’t trust the measuring stick’s accuracy.
“Come on, he is so close. Just let us on.” She pleaded. But I didn’t fancy losing my job that day so I couldn’t let him on.